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Pet Peeve
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Posted by: Shalome
I need some help here... I have a pet peeve about being touched by people I don't know very well. One of my (male) coworkers (well, not coworker, but military dude who happens to be stationed in this room) has the habit of, in a friendly way, punching people in the shoulder when he walks by them. I sit at a corner desk by the door, and every time he rounds the corner, he puts his hand on my shoulder or pokes me in the arm and says "WHASUUUUP!" It's really obnoxious, especially if I'm in the middle of something (like typing). He's not being flirtatious or anything, he's just... annoying...
He also talks all the time and demands your attention. I'll be in the middle of something and he'll stand up and be like "Hey Amy.. Amy... Aaaamy.... AMY! You ignoring me? Hey, AMY!" (To which I'm thinking Yes, I'm ignoring you, I'm working, you freak, no I wasn't watching basketball or baseball or whatever the hell sport you're watching and no I didn't see that play, now leave me alone...)
How can I diplomatically say "CUT THAT THE **** OUT, MAN!" Basically, how do you deal with truly annoying coworkers without coming across as a real jerk yourself?
A week of leaning away when he walks by and saying "hey, I'm kinda busy here" when he's demanding my attention hasn't worked.
Posted by: Null Actor
On the first count, just tell him not to do it. If he doesn't like that, too ****ing bad.
On the second, I find that headphones are usually pretty good at deterring those who would otherwise annoy the **** out of you.
Posted by: AK47
Punch him in the dick
Posted by: Shalome
lol.. Nah, I'd probably get sued for sexual harassment.
Posted by: Null Actor
Well, if I were a woman, in that situation, I'd turn at the instant so that it looks like he was sexually harrassing you... 
At the very least he should be embarrassed enough that he won't do it again. If you are willing to do that though... heheh
Posted by: redwench
well, novas serious suggestion is a good idea. if you dont feel comfortable with it, or it doesnt work, youll have to speak to your supervisor, or live with it.
Posted by: Shalome
Headphones seem to be working tolerably well. I'm just ignoring him.
Posted by: Qui Gon-Jinn
looks like he needs the "This is my space.. please do not violate it" speech.. if that don't work.. run his foot over with your chair..
Now if he is suppose to be working.. why is he watching TV??? but you could steal the remote.. and when he call's you for something.. turn off the TV..
Option 3.. find 2-3 big guys.. duct tape him to the chair.. roll it into the nearest lake river or pond... ohh.. did I say that out loud.??
Posted by: justinious
 Quote:
Originally posted by AK47
Punch him in the dick
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..... then say Whaaasssup!
Seriously, tell him straight up "stop please, that makes me uncomfortable". If that doesn't work report him to a senior officer (preferably female). If that still doesn't work, follow AK47's advice and repeat as necessary. 
Posted by: Tweaker
Quote:
Originally posted by AK47
Punch him in the dick
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 Ouch!!
Posted by: Kdr Kane
I have had sexual harassment training.
It's Shalome's responsibility to tell the guy directly that she's feeling sexually harassed. Or tell her supervisor. It's not necessary to file a complaint.
Shalome, if your company does not inform you as to their sexual harassment policy, then they are just as liable.
This may not be construed as sexual harassment in a final assessment. However, it does constitute a hostile workplace. You might just want to take that route.
It's not necessary to confront the person that makes you uncomfortable. And once you inform management of the problem, they become liable for any further hostility.
Posted by: Canis Lupus
Some suggestions
"Cut it out, man"
"Can I be honest with you? I find what you do VERY annoying. Can you please stop?"
"You know, some of us are actually working here!"
"You know what, you're a nice guy and all, but right now you're really pissing the hell out of me. Can we stop it please?"
"Don't bother me .. I'm working.."
or the old favorite:
"Stop!"
Posted by: TheeMon
ok as simple as it gets say *name* that is very annoying (jokingly but kinda serious) it'll prolly work...
a girl last year that i walked to 8th pd told me that, shed walk past my locker and say hello and id say hello in this goofy manner(stretched the word out kinda) then grabed my stuff and went to her locker... well anyways after about a month of me doing it she told me (all nice and jokingly n stuff but she was serious) that me saying hello like that bugged her so i stoped saying it like that and said it normal...
now that i think of it that total 2nd paragraph was totally pointless, oh well
Posted by: Shalome
Quote:
Originally posted by Kdr Kane
I have had sexual harassment training.
It's Shalome's responsibility to tell the guy directly that she's feeling sexually harassed. Or tell her supervisor. It's not necessary to file a complaint.
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Kane, just for the record, it's not sexual harrassment in any way, shape, or form -- the guy does this to everyone, regardless of gender. It's not sexual, either, it's buddy-buddy -- you know, how guys slap each other on the back or punch each other in the shoulder. It just gets on my nerves when I'm trying to get work done. Basically, i'm not feeling sexually harrassed. I'm feeling annoyed by a talkative high-energy person.
Also, he doesn't work for the company I work for. He's military. I am a civillian contractor. We just happen to be working in the same room. My company has no control over his behavior whatsoever.
Thanks anyway, though. 
Posted by: TheeMon
ok then when he goes to punch ya in the shoulder move n let him it your boob... as someone said b4...
or give him something to calm him down a bit...
Posted by: Shalome
Thee, you're a freakin' weirdo.
Posted by: Lord_Buttplug
If he's military, just tell him to stop and more than likely he will. Military gets alot of harrassment training also thanks to Clinton.
Posted by: Shalome
IT'S... NOT... HARRASSMENT! AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
Posted by: redwench
um, shal, harrassment doesnt have to be sexual.
Posted by: Null Actor
Quote:
Originally posted by Shalome
IT'S... NOT... HARRASSMENT! AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!
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Maybe you are just suppressing memories...
Posted by: Kdr Kane
Quote:
Originally posted by Kdr Kane
This may not be construed as sexual harassment in a final assessment. However, it does constitute a hostile workplace. You might just want to take that route.
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That doesn't contradict you. A hostile environment is just that.
If he's in the military, simply tell his superior. It'll stop dead. Why are you treating him like a human being anyway? The military doesn't.
Posted by: Canis Lupus
Of course, all this might be avoided by simply telling him to stop ... no reason to blow it out of proportion when it doesn't really need to be ... only when they don't stop what they're doing can you start to consider "launching the attack", so to speak ...
And yeah, the parallels are intended...
Posted by: Null Actor
I've always found it curious how people will go to such extreme measures just to avoid saying anything that could be construed negatively in any light.
I mean, this isn't considered a slam on shal, or anyone else for that matter. I've been known to do the same thing.
But why are we, as people, afraid to just tell people exactly what we think? I mean, when such a simple solution to a situation like this is to just say "don't", why is it that there is harrassment training, and laws and such?
I mean, I know there are times when the other person just won't stop, even after being asked nicely, but things have gotten so strange in our civilization that we don't even want to take the first step of asking nicely.
Posted by: Max Radius
I agree with the general consensus here.
Just flat out tell him that it annoys you, and that you wish he would stop. If he has any respect for you (or any control over his actions) he'll remember the next time he goes to bother you.
Since you haven't come right out and said it, I assume that aside from these two tendencies, the male isn't someone you dislike. There are many times when you will be placed in close quarters with somone who displays character traits you dislike.
The best solution is honesty.... just flat out, plain-jane, brutal truth. Be nice about it, I guess... but don't beat around the bush.
Posted by: Shalome
Well, it's kind of hard to say "you annoy me, please don't talk to me unless it's really important or unless I initiate the conversation" when you gotta sit in the same room as that person for months at a time. The situation is this: one civillian and one military person on shift at all times. So basically, I spend 8-10 hours a day (night) sitting in a room with the same person. It gets kind of dull for them (they have even less work to do than we do, unless there's a major issue, in which case they're there to coordinate and log events -- we at least have at least SOME work to do every night).
So I can understand why he wants to talk all the time.. he's got nothing to do. As for the other stuff, he's just a high-energy, sports-loving, overly social guy. He's even nice. Just... annoying.
And like I said... wearing headphones seems to be working.
Posted by: Max Radius
yeah, the headphones idea was a simple way to avoid saying what ought to be said, though. However, in your situation, that might be the best solution.
Anyway, if you told him how you felt, what would he do? Pout and go sit in a corner? Nu-uh.... he'd more than likely take your feelings into consideration, and try to alter his behaviour. As you said, you're cooped up in the same area for stretches of time. I'm sure he'd never want to intentionally bother you as a habit.
(then again, maybe he likes you)
The human mind has many subliminal triggers for attraction, and one of them happens to be the need for attention. Anyway, it's just a thought. And, hey, if he does like you, he'll be even more certain to respect your wishes.
Posted by: Shalome
Things that didn't work:
"Hey, I'm working on learning Perl and I'm really trying to concentrate on this book, ok?"
"I'm in the middle of checking firewall data right now and distractions really screw up my thought process, ok?"
"I'm in the middle of setting up a new database, and I can't really keep up a conversation right now, I'm busy, ok?"
He'll say okay and then be quiet for a while, forget I'm working on something and start talking again. I'll ignore him, he'll keep talking, he'll finally remember that I said I was busy. I think he might have ADD or something.
Yesterday when he went to punch my shoulder I kind of dodged and gave him a funny look. He said "Boy, SOMEONE must be having a bad day or something! What's wrong with YOU?"
Posted by: Max Radius
stick to the headphones....
the man has behavioural issues that you don't want to know about. More than likely, the regimented life of being military has delayed some interpersonal development.
Posted by: Ion Silverbolt
Check your local laws and see if pepper mace is legal.
Posted by: WD40
Next time he punches your shoulder act like it hurt, and hurt a lot. If he thinks he hurt you maybe he'll at least stop that.
Posted by: Tweaker
The easy solution is to nod and say uh-huh every once in a while to show that you're listening. While you do this, think about what kind of hamburger you're going to order or how you're going to manage your next mortgage payment. Since the motor mouth is harmless, doing this will get you through it without making him an enemy.
Posted by: justinious
Quote:
Originally posted by Null Actor
I've always found it curious how people will go to such extreme measures just to avoid saying anything that could be construed negatively in any light.
I mean, this isn't considered a slam on shal, or anyone else for that matter. I've been known to do the same thing.
But why are we, as people, afraid to just tell people exactly what we think? I mean, when such a simple solution to a situation like this is to just say "don't", why is it that there is harrassment training, and laws and such?
I mean, I know there are times when the other person just won't stop, even after being asked nicely, but things have gotten so strange in our civilization that we don't even want to take the first step of asking nicely.
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I do it to subconciously avoid conflict. I do try hard to catch myself and make my feelings known, but I'm not always successful.
Quote:
Yesterday when he went to punch my shoulder I kind of dodged and gave him a funny look. He said "Boy, SOMEONE must be having a bad day or something! What's wrong with YOU?"
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Oooooooooh boy. Now THAT trips my trigger. Even though I try to avoid starting shit, once someone thick-headed like that can't take the hint I'd have to make it REAL clear.
"Look, <name>, I do not like being punched, poked, prodded, or pinched. If it seems like I'm having a bad day it's because I keep getting interrupted while I work. So would you please limit our interactions to verbal only? Otherwise, I won't be the only one having a bad day today."
*puts headphones on*
Then in a day or so apologize, after all you do have to see the schmuck every workday.
"Sorry I jumped in your shit the other day, but I really do not like being touched."
Anyway, that's how I would handle it.
Posted by: Kdr Kane
Shalome,
I'm not trying to blow it out of proportion. However, you are avoiding conflict the same way many other women avoid conflict.
Don't wait until you blow up. Take control of it now. You've listed quite a few attempts to remedy the situation. None of them have worked. So, now you're looking for outside input for things to try.
Stop it!
Posted by: Null Actor
Quote:
Originally posted by Kdr Kane
However, you are avoiding conflict the same way many other women avoid conflict.
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Avoiding conflict is barely something just women do you know. It's pretty universal.
Posted by: N.W.A_Kid
you could always kill him and flee the country, nobody would have to know
but on a serious note, the best thing to do is to really let him know. Or, stage a setup. Get a friend at work to come around poking you, then pretend to explode at your friend while that guy is in the room and just go off and say "I am so sick of everyone touching me, poking me, and hitting me!!! Enough is enough! I don't want anyone touching me any ****ing more!!!!"
It would work against me
Posted by: Erekose
...but so would the shovel and quicklime. no worries, shal, i have plenty of febreeze to go around
Posted by: momser
hmmm.. all kinds of great ways to avoid confrontation being suggested.. which in turn, give a tacit permission to the Annoying One to continue the annoying behavior - since it is setting "rules" for when, rather than clearly stating NO.
Also a few draconian means of confronting the issue offered.. Somehow, I don't think a single annoying behavior justifies killing, or torture.. Reporting it to a superior in the military will have major repercussions - out of proportion with the "crime" (and yes, the military is funky that way, very black/white - it's good behavior, or it's a crime to be punished as a crime, and permanently part of your record).
So may I make a suggestion? Simply take the bull by the horns - and ASK him WHY he does it.
Isolate the question from the behavior (ie, a good time for asking would be when he indulges in one of his talk-a-thons, is seated, and basically relaxed). By posing a question, you are opening a discussion, rather than accusing with a statement.
When you ask, suggest an emotionally neutral possibility as something you considered to explain the behavior as part of the question - as if you were asking him to verify this conclusion you reached.. (ie, I've been thinking - You punch me in the shoulder like I was one of the "guys".. Is that why you do that? You think of me as one of your good friends?" Obviously any response from him will promote a discussion - and give you a good idea of how to proceed.
Most likely response will be to affirm the "friends", since that is the face-saving offered him, which gives you the opening to tell him females don't hit/punch each other unless they are waaay over the top angry, so it sends a mixed message of verbal friends/physical anger, which is very disturbing, and suggest a more appropriate affirmation of friendship he can substitute.
If he protests that it is no different for females than males - gently remind him you never hear "husbandbeater".. That physical abuse IS a female/child issue for the most part, and women are very aware that there is a pattern of "sweet talk" connected to physical discomfort in male abusers - it's a "warning sign" women are told to watch for (you're good with URL's find a few sites that verify this). Assure him that you 'knew' that couldn't be true in his case, which is why you came to conclusion you did. But it bothers you, not only because of your own discomfort - but because you hate to see a nice guy giving out the wrong signals unwittingly, giving himself a bad rap simply for not knowing.. By doing it "for his own good" because "you are concerned", you remove the adversarial aspect and put yourself emotionally 'on his side'.
Oh yeah, a witness is very good.
Regardless of what the real motivation may be, linking his punching to a warning sign of an abuser will definitely stop the punching. It makes the "friendly punching" a symptom of abuse (a behavior that will be actively discouraged by others, which carries some serious consequences both official and social should he continue it), actionable should it continue, without justification (since he can no longer claim ignorance as an excuse), and the burden is no longer on you.
You asked for a permanent solution to this problem. This is one possible course of action. Hope it at least gives you food for thought.
Love and Peace
Posted by: Erekose
...whoa and the light shines through. leave it to women to fix the problem so simply and permanently (not a dig, thats a compliment)
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