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Most Original Snail Mail Spam
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: LT
Up here in the hinterlands (that's actually winterlands but we don't move our lips outdoors too much this time of year due to the cracking factor), we use snail mail as a carefully planned renewable resource. We send out lots of applications for stupid things that will bring a guaranteed monster influx of absolutely useless information and offers, all of which are eminently burnable in the wood stove. Then as the stove is putting out BTUs to the extent that we have to open the windows and doors, we get on the internet and delete the junk from our email accounts and hope someone sent some new jokes, not the one again about how "You know you're really from the North Country when you design a Halloween outfit to go over a snowsuit." hahaha. Joe Harris over in Philly dressed up as an Eskimo one year, walked around with a lake trout draped over his shoulder (Yes a real lake trout about 2.5 feet long he'd caught earlier in the day) and trick or treated that way, until he got to Bing Cullen's house. Now, Bing had retired from the DEC a couple years prior and didn't really go looking to turn anyone in for a fish, but he nailed young Joe with a steely-eyed stare and inquired as to the status of his fishing license. Young Joe was stammering something about how his dad had caught the fish when Jocko, Bing's black lab, launched out the door between Bing's legs, snagged the trout and took off with the evidence. Once Joe helped Bing up off the porch floor, it was understood that there was no problem about the fish, Joe got a Mars bar or whatever, and went on his way. But before the evening was over, 3 black labs, a St. Bernard, a sheepdog, and a couple assorted collie-mixes had dragged that trout all over the village of Philadelphia making for quite a sight and equal racket. The high point was, of course, when Lester Beyer's sled dogs ALL got loose... We don't think the fish even existed any more by that point, but it actually took 3 days to get all the dogs corraled again.
And what does this have to do with Snail Mail Spam? I'm glad you hung on this long to interrupt and ask me that. I received an item today in the mail that I bow down to in the matter of spam-hoaxes. This will suck in many an unsuspecting poor lame sorry sucker, and I use those terms with great knowledge from eons of vegging out on B.net. This is the biggest load of horse hockey I have ever seen, and never before in snail mail! Is the internet not enough any more???
I invite you all to join me in trying to figure out WTH the "Future Achievers Cognitive Wave Center" actually IS. It *says* it is a "special advisory to projected futurists of America" and I received it from the Identification Office. Now, I am not going to go into the whole thing, but they can be reached at PO Box 1948, New City, NY, 10956-1948. They say they have a certified "Life-Commencing Achievement Profile" for me "regarding active wave period cycle infusing period projected". It's only $20, but I bet there are a lot of folks out there that will send it in just for a laugh. I'm not, cause I got a good laugh out of this really original pile of horse... um, burnable heating material and I'm not looking for more.
More to the point, has anyone else gotten any really original mail spam/hoaxes?
And why did I start out with the story about the eskimo on Halloween? I told you, I'm looking for original spam, but it has to be entertaining.
Posted by: uh...ok
Good story. 
Posted by: Gunslinger
*points to the article forum*
Posted by: SKYHN
 Quote:
Originally posted by LT
"regarding active wave period cycle infusing period projected"
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I bet they are working on some kind of time travel device that needs 1.21 jigawatts of electricity!
Posted by: LT
Oh wow! Maybe I'd better send in the $20!
Um, I can't post in the article forum 'cause I'm not staff, so you have to get all my spam postings in here 
Posted by: Gunslinger
I just mean, it was well written, and read like a satire article. I'll see about posting it myself.
Posted by: uh...ok
Just tell Laggy to move the thread.
-uh...ok
Posted by: Rayneeday
One thing i have to say about your posts LT, is that they are amost always entertaining. I read them even if I have no interest in the topic sometimes, I feel like that about Angst's posts too. I think i got the same email about how to tell if. . . except it was Kansas not the hinterlands and involved jobs with custom cutters and hay baling. The halloween costume thing rang a bell though  Ok, i have no interesting snail mail to share unless you count the local grocery store ads, I just felt like dispensing some needless flattery to you as you made my excruciatingly dull morning that much better.
Posted by: LT
I assure you, it wasn't needless *grin*
Hmm... Don't think I ever caught the one about custom cutters and hay balers...
Posted by: LT
Ya know what? I have to say I felt really uneasy about this offer but I couldn't figure out why until just a few moments ago. These guys have NO WEBSITE!!!
That means only one thing.
They can't be serious.
Posted by: LT
oooh! oooh! hey maybe I/we should put up a website FOR them?! Not to mock them out or anything, we would NEVER be that cruel and unfeeling... more like to try to get to the meaning of their core, spiritually speaking. I mean, any group or individual who puts out the kind of money that had to be involved in sending out this totally unique piece of spam (flavored visually in lavendar, btw) just to tell me that they are indebted to me (their wording). I mean hey c'mon, if someone wrote you out of the blue (or maybe lavender) just to say they feel "a great responsibility to provide specific guidance for your upcoming life commencing wave cycle" wouldn't you feel a little... well, I guess "weirded out" is the closest I can come. Nah, guess I'll cancel the website thought. I can't even get my own updated! AS it is, it really is an uplifting piece of spam-gibberish. I leave you with a last quote. All you have to do is think lavendar as you read: "All dynamics point to a wave proliferation of vast magnitude. Our calculations are bringing daily updates of raw charged planetary energy Physical signs are everywhere. (Look around.)"
They also say I am "Someone who's timing may be reaching it's G-force potential, ready to explode forward like a rocket booster firing into new world space." I'll tell you right now, aside from that being about the only evidence of incorrect grammatical usage, my explosive potential (G or otherwise) is not something I discuss with anyone!
Anyhow, so much for spam digression, it is late, goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the spam bugs bite!
Posted by: redwench
im wondering if you got spammed in engrish. a couple of the quotes you gave have such bad structure that no native speaker would come up with it.
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