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Airline Passenger Airheads
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Posted by: rockjock
I think I may have traveled next to a passenger that will take the cake for all time, I hope. This lady, who appeared to be about 60, was the most annoying person I have ever sat next to. This was a little 1.5 hr flight that typically is over before you know it. I could have sworn that I was on the plane at least 4 hrs.
Her bag won't fit under the seat properly and she was so informed by the stewardess. so the next pass she has her feet on it and a blanket over her lap so that it will be hidden. Doesn't work so this is the first delay. "It's OK, she is only doing her job but you really do not have to pay any attention to what they say", she says to me.
In the stack to take off, her phone rings, she answers, and proceeds to have a conversation. We are up front so the stewardess noticed this pretty quick, pick up the phone to the pilot, unbuckles, comes back and tells her to shut it off. "I will be done in a minute", she says. She was informed that the plane could not take off if she persisted. "How rude"
Now she farts a couple of real stinkers as we take off and want to get up and go to the restroom before we are even at altitude. Naturally I have the aisle. I told her that this was a real poor time to try to get up and that she should press the light for the stewardess. When the stewardess comes back then you can probably go. She says she can wait a while and proceeds to fart some more. Finally at altitude and I can let her out hoping that this will end the stench.
She tells the stewardess that she doesn't want a snack and demands a meal. There are no meals on this flight. "How rude". Settles for a couple of whiskeys but is mad that they are not free. Fart some more. I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom again. No, whiskey gives her gas and she has been drinking.
Goes to the bathroom again. Comes back and notices that one of her rings is gone. Must have lost it in bathroom. She tells the stewardess to go get it for her. The stewardess is still serving snack and refreshments and tells her that she will need to go get it herself. "How rude." Gets up to discover that it is on the floor.
I figure that reading, not conversation, is the best bet . "What are you reading? Is it good? Are you going to read all the way? I need to get up again." Oh yeah, time to fart some more. I mostly do not answer her now. "How rude"
The plane finally touches down. Hurrah! She is unbuckled and wants me to get while the plane is still doing about 90 on the ground. I do not think so. "How rude. They do not know anything." I told her that there were sensors in the lap belt, they would know if she didn't buckle back up, and would ban her from ever flying again. hehe. Oh yeah, farts some more.
She says, "I bet you will be glad when this flight is over". I respond, "That is true, I hope to never sit next to you again". I wanted to say more but...why bother. "How rude", she says and farts!
I must fly for work but between idiots like this and the so called airline security (citizen harrasment) I would rather not.
I must admit that this has been a fun topic at work among the frequent fliers. Got a better one?
Posted by: redwench
ye gods. i dont want to go to la now. thx a lot 
Posted by: Spork Lover
lol... nice touch with the farts 
Posted by: rockjock
I wish that I could claim that the "farts" were an amusing addition (say lie) to the story. An amusing part was that these were not one cheek sneaks. The good part was that there was no confusion as who let go. Think flutterblast!
Posted by: Heathen
 Quote:
LOL - flight from hell.
I hate flying anyways.... actually flying dosn't bother me... its crashing that bothers me!!!!
Posted by: rockjock
Quote:
Originally posted by redwench
ye gods. i dont want to go to la now. thx a lot
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You could get a non-stop to LA and have at least four hours of entertainment if you are as fortunate as I!
Posted by: tkron
Ah yes, I remember one time I took my seat in the middle only to find that I had a Beautiful Blond bombshell sitting in the window seat. Wow I could not believe my luck. Then the asile seat passenger arrived. She was an old Catholic Nun, and I was a Catholic... Bummer
Posted by: Erekose
hmm only flown once (that i can remeber, couple times as an infant). freshman year of high school went to italy. 'bussiness' class on a lufthansa jet. now i'm 6'4" 270lbs. so the saet was a bit cramped to begin with. add to that our overhead was broke so i had the two passengers' next to me (my teacher and his mother) bags on the ground at my feet, plus my bag, plus my jacket later on. did i mention i was in the window seat on the wing. ever seen how the engine shakes on the bottom of the wing? looks like its gonna fall off. well it was an 8 hour flight from boston, ma to frankfurt, ger. i hadn't slept the night before (excitement) i couldn't sleep on the flight (the two of them snored rather loudly, i was uncomfortable, my seat didnt recline, and i had to use the restroom from all the tea the attendant kept bringing me. but at least she was attractive and pleasant to talk to) i mustve watched that damned pink panther cartoon 14 times and the music only goes so long before it starts the cycle again. after a 2 hr layover in (landed 6 am local time, midnight home time 48 hours awake so far) frankfurt we got on a 1-1/2 hour flight into da vinci airport in rome (believe it was rome) during which i could not get the pressure to equalize in my ears. probably the most excrutiating pain i had felt up til that point, they finally popped on the descent. then spent the day sightseeing, went to sleep at 10 pm local time awake for 64 hours. roommates though i was narcoleptic, i put down my bags and fell to the floor unconcious. it took them 30 minutes to wake me up to get me into a bed, they couldnt close the door until they had dragged me into the room
Posted by: Shalome
A few years ago, I had an unfortunate run-in with the wonderful airport security at Kansas City International. I was sitting in the terminal, waiting for my flight to board, and I pulled a 20-oz soda from my backpack and started drinking it. The grossly obese security guard shuffled over to me and said politely "excuse me, ma'am.. You can take that soda on the plane, but you can't drink it there." I thanked him, thinking he was telling me to finish my soda before the flight. So I kept drinking my soda, thinking it was strange that they didn't allow passengers to bring their own drinks on the flight. The guard said again, "Ma'am, you can take that soda on the plane, but I'm afraid you can't drink it there!" I nodded and said "Yeah, you told me, thanks" and kept drinking the soda.
The security guard turns about four shades of purple and shuffles back over to me. "Excuse me, ma'am, but do we have a problem here?" I said "no" and continued drinking my soda, slightly confused. "Ma'am, if you're going to continue to ignore my authority and the rules of this airport, I'm going to have to escort you outside the terminal until boarding."
Which he did. During which process I asked him if he'd really wanted to be a cop while growing up but wound up being airport security instead. I was a bit indignant, because I still wasn't aware that I was breaking any rules.
It took me a good 20 minutes of standing outside the terminal, drinking my soda, to figure out that the terminal had a "NO FOOD / BEVERAGES IN TERMINAL" sign posted, and when the guard said there, he meant the seat I was sitting in in the terminal.
Posted by: redwench
shal, what had you been smoking before you got to the airport?
Posted by: Shalome
Guess I was the airhead in that one, eh?
In my defense, the guard never put the emphasis on the word "there." It was always
"You can take it on the plane, but you can't drink it there" or
"You can take that soda on the plane, but you can't drink it there"
Nothing in his speech or demeanor indicated that by the word "there" he meant "that seat you're currently occupying" or "this terminal."
Posted by: tkron
I remeber the time that I was supposed to meet Momser at LAX for the first LA gathering. I had never met her in person, had seen one snapshot of her. I was due to arrive at 3:40 and she was to arrive at 4:00
I made a sign on a piece to typing paper with the word Momser (not knowing what that word meant, which to put it kindly cast a bad reputation on my mother as to if she was married at the time of my birth, and cast doubt if I was legitamate).
My plane arrived about 10 minutes early and I rushed over to her terminal and started inquiring about her plane. The flight number I was given was the one out of the city she left from, but not the changed flight number out of the intermediate stop, the airline said they did not know what flight I was talking about. Finally we got it all straightened out and I found out that her flight had arrived about the same time as mine (hers was about 35 minutes early).
To shorten a long story....
So there I am wandering around her teminal looking at all the middle age women pointing to the sign and asking them if it meant anything to them, and getting some dirty looks.
Meanwhile Momser is wandering around my terminal asking every middle aged man if they were looking for her. According to Momser Airport security actually asked her to "please take her BUSINESS somewhere else".
Posted by: Erekose
heh that is just too good
Posted by: tkron
I am going to go out on a limb here that Monser will not get mad at me, and publish what momser wrote about that incident in the Airport. the only mistake she made is I had made that sign while on the plane flying to LAX. The story begins... and boy can momser spin a story.....
US Takes on Los Angeles
and
WINS
RATED PG 50
Listen up, kiddos - this is the real deal. Let me give you the skinny on events that will never see print anywhere else.. A true story, lurid, sordid, laden with all the things an R rating promises and never delivers (dontcha hate that?).. Grab your blanky for comfort, turn on all the lights for safety, and come along for the Adventure.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
The Usual Suspects, realizing they were the usual suspects, came to LA in ones and two's - innocuous looking, blending in with the tourists and bizzwhiz types, infiltrating the slightly off-center mainstream of LA without attracting attention. There was a minor snafu at the airport - but the US was quick to respond, and maintain the cover.
t'krons tale
t'kron, known to US as the competant, cool-headed master of having the answers, had a detailed schedule for LA. Precise and thorough, he had covered all the bases for a smooth running operation. Clockwork.. poetry.. Times, places carefully worked out and written down.. A classic plan..
And it left out tailwinds, and momser in the calculations.. almost a fatal oversight..
He arrived at LAX (Los Angeles Airport) half an hour early, due to helping tailwinds during the flight. His lip curled slighty up on the right. He was pleased - plently of time to hook up with momser, due in at a terminal on the other side of the airport (about half a mile). With the calm self-assurance of a Pro, he grabbed his bag and ran the half mile like a bat out of Hell.. Huffing and puffing like the Little Engine That Could.. Arriving at momser's terminal with plenty of time to spare. He sat back in the waiting area, looked at his watch, and made a slight nod. Yes, all according to plan.
A plane came in. No momser. Plane loaded and left. Another plane came in. No momser. t'kron casually approached the desk, and asked if momser's flight had been delayed.. and was informed airlines don't give out ANY information about passengers.. He asked if the flight had come in - no such flight, he was told.. WHAT THE HEY? Where the heck was MOMSER?
Meanwhile, momser, whose plane had also come in half and hour early, had taken the shuttle to t'krons terminal to meet him there (and missed him as he ran the distance). She was also asking at the desk, and being informed they do not give out passenger information - and they also had no record of the flight number t'kron had supplied. She *shrugged*, and headed back to her own terminal, figuring t'kron would turn up sometime to claim her..
Thinking fast, t'kron, reasoned he may have missed momser coming off the plane. A reasonable assumption - they had never seen each other before. And further reasoned that if momser had arrived, and not found him there, she would have gone on to the hotel. He immediately headed for the hotel.
momser - now bored with the whole thing, started walking up to every "older husky" man in the terminal (the description t'kron gave of himself), and asking them "Do I know you? Have you been waiting to meet me?". One and all looked shocked, tucked their head down, and waddled away as quickly as possible..
t'kron arrived at the hotel, and checked in. No momser. This was NOT going well. Time to come up with a new plan. He wrote "momser" in thick black lines on a piece of paper, and began approaching women asking "Does this mean anything to you?" momser *really* should have told him what that word means in Yiddish... The "possible momser's" rections were clearly divided into two camps - the ones who thought he was just another pervie, and the ones who knew what 'momser' means... t'kron decided to move the base of this operation back to the airport... before one of them really did call the cops..
Back at the airport, momser apparently has more impact than t'kron, and was approached by Airport security.. "you got a problem lady?" "As a matter of fact, YES".. After some discussion, a mutually acceptable plea bargain settlement was arranged.. momser will no longer proposition the patrons of the terminal, and stand quietly next to a desk (listening to the girls behind the desk speculate on whether the money is better for chubby-chasers) - while a page was made every 10 to 15 minutes - "Dick - come get mom at Gate 3".. After a half hour of pages, they began to sound desperate, and Dick took on new meaning..
t'kron arrived back at the airport, sign on chest, for his encore . He was so intent on his mission, he did not hear the pages. And *still* no momser to be found.. Dedictated to completing his assignment, he continued to approach women with his sign..
Meanwhile, TheWolf and ELLENOFTROY, having caught an earlier flight, decided to see if they could meet Atalanta at her Gate - Gate 3A.. ELLEN spotted momser at the next Gate, and discreetly YELLED.. momser grabbed Wolf a spine-tingling real life hug.. hugs all around.. They all compare notes.. WHERE is t'kron?? ELLEN gave another yelp, pointing at a crowd of people, and jogged off.
t'kron and ELLEN had met before, and he recognized her imediately. With VAST relief, he allowed ELLEN to drag him over to meet the little momser who wasn't there. *Finally* And there she was, in her unobtrusive purple Acid-Rock Jimi Hendrix style leather jacket with the two foot fringe and studs, biker boots, red hair... yup, blended right into the woodwork.. No wonder she was hard to find..
All's well that ends well - and it was a happy ending to Airport Adventure.. But only the beginning of the LA experience...
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