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Amateur Buttock Reading
(Click here to view the original thread with full colors/images)
Posted by: laborat
(things to think about while I go to Wal-Mart to buy some boxer shorts that don't leave lines)
WARNING: contains suggestive language, word play, and lots of commas.
I was thrown off a metro bus today. After having been slapped, head butted, pinched, and umbrella whacked.
Those people can cuss me all they want but I know what is going to happen to them. You see...I have become an amateur buttock reader. Forget crystals, or aroma therapy, Tarot, or the I Ching, Buttock reading is where it is at...You can tell the future...
It all started when I read this article...
http://www.reuters.com/news_article...StoryID=1180971
Now from where Im sitting (pun intended) this looked like a real good idea. How hard could it be to read buttocks? I practiced on my own buttocks and knew almost endstinctively that I was meant to be an amateur buttock reader. My next stop was the most likely place to have buttocks just sticking up to be read, the local Health Spa, "Rose's Massauge and Stress Therapy Clinic". It turns out they were not that interested in parapsychological research, but did allow if I had enough money, I could feel all the buttocks I could handle.
My next stop was of course the Metro Bus during rush hour, which is as everyone knows is a teeming mass of strap hanging minions, terrified by the driving of the bus meister. I first tried to get in touch with my buttock spirit guide, Big Cheeks, as I perused the various ovals, heartshaped, collapsed, and buns of steel. If there is one thing for certain its that Buttocks and Busses are my best chance at Amateur Buttock Reading. The guy I read about, just did it one on one, but thats not flashy enough, I wanted to do something bigger, maybe even Times Square on New Years...
I knew if I could pull this off, I might get a offer to play Butt(e) Montana, Palm Springs, maybe even Las Vegas. Labo De Buttock, psychic reader. I already had my name picked out...I thought about Madam Labo but couldnt figure out how to read buttocks over the phone at 5 dollars a minute. (at the beep place your receiver ...uh nevermind)... To make a long story short.. or maybe not.. the point here, is that Buttock Reading actually works...the down side is that you usually get YOUR butt kicked while trying to do it. Metro Busses are definitely out. I am now working on an angle where people can send me xeroxed butt pics to read...I will get back to you on that one...I have to work out the mechanics of where all the creases and lines should be...and whether cellulite is an aspect or an influence.
Posted by: Tweaker
Hmmm... Interesting to say the least! Sounds like your one step away from being a Proctologist.  Not sure I could handle looking at buttocks all morning before lunch!  What do you think they will be reading next? One can only imagine.
Posted by: Ghetto Blasta
ROFL! Though for some reason, I doubt Labby's "genuine desire to probe people's future" is not as sincere as the guy in the article. 
Posted by: Gunslinger
A proctologist, or a horse's ass.
*wink*
Posted by: laborat
oh...you wanting a reading gunslinger? *wink*
Posted by: Gunslinger
Clear your schedule, then. It's gonna take a while.
Posted by: Chako
What do these buns tell?
Posted by: JANNA
people wathc john edwards and he is about as big an @ss as they get....
Posted by: Asmodai
Huh.
I did the same thing in college. I used to "read" girls breasts. The future would usually entail them slapping me.
Just my own little experience as a fortune teller.
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